Can't stand the PUNishment
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The
ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve
you, but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra. (I wonder if I could get away with this?!)
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm
and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:
"Does this taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'."
That sounds like 'Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?"
"Well, 'It's Not Unusual'."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy
says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I
don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!", exclaims
Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were
nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He
shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor
replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
13. What do you call a fish with no eyes?? A fsh.
14. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other
and says, "Dam!".
15. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in
the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you
can't have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament
victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the
office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked,
as they moved off. "Because" he said, "I can't stand
chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of
them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The
other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years
later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she
wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband
responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen
Ahmal."
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the
time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his
feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and
with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made
him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different
puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns
would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve
you, but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra. (I wonder if I could get away with this?!)
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm
and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:
"Does this taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'."
That sounds like 'Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?"
"Well, 'It's Not Unusual'."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy
says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I
don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!", exclaims
Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were
nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He
shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor
replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
13. What do you call a fish with no eyes?? A fsh.
14. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other
and says, "Dam!".
15. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in
the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you
can't have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament
victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the
office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked,
as they moved off. "Because" he said, "I can't stand
chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of
them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The
other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years
later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she
wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband
responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen
Ahmal."
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the
time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his
feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and
with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made
him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different
puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns
would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
posted by David Derr at 11:00 AM
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